Day 4 with Vipassana. It is still very hard. I had quite an emotional day today so in both morning and evening sessions of the meditation my thoughts were drifting a lot. I couldn’t get very far in my body scanning but now I’m starting to feel things on the top of my head, not only imagine them.
I’m trying my best to keep my concentration but I’m also forgiving of myself when I lose it. What’s nice about Vipassana is that I can really focus on a little detail at a time. Why am I this impatient though? Is it because of the constant craving of things? I could probably be more calm when deciding, where to move my attention next. Sometimes I feels that because another area in my body feels more active suddenly, it’s easy to start thinking about it but I don’t think that’s the point. The point is that I can choose what I want to concentrate on and then I focus on that.
Edit: Saturday 3.10., Day 6
Today I had a very hard morning. I’m currently waiting to hear from an audition, my agent hasn’t stayed in touch with me and I’m worried about how everything is going to work out and it’s very hard for me to just be alright with things not going forward or me not knowing what’s going on. Despite my fabulous night of sleep I was feeling very upset and worried and I told Edward that I’m experiencing the same lack of interest in doing anything as one year ago when I was at the worst moment of my burnout. (I have since made a lot of progress and very seldom have unbelievably difficult days.) I could not get myself to do yoga or meditation or anything.
We decided to go for a walk, breathing fresh air and just seeing trees and nature is always a good idea. And it cheered me up, in a way I can’t explain. We had lunch and coming home, I felt I had enough strength to do my meditation practice. I did 15 minutes of Vipassana and I was very focused almost the entire time. Distracting thoughts didn’t stay there for long and I didn’t lose track of what I was doing.
It’s so easy to get stuck in the “I should” “I have to” and not be able to enjoy the present moment. I wonder if I can find a way to make peace with the uncomfortable moments in my life. How I could just trust that everything is going to work out, even if I don’t know for 100% certainty.