Dear Jackie,
I’m having a thought that doing a guided meditation “doesn’t count” as meditating. And I identify as someone who meditates for 30 minutes each day and I don’t want to lose that. But yesterday as I wrote my plan, I decided that doing the plan we agreed upon: 30 guided Jackie meditation for at least three days and then possibly with the sound off for the rest of the two weeks was enough and that if I went with my fear/judge response to add another half hour of my own meditation, that I would be doing that from a punitive energy like the one you described in the first session when you meditated for an hour a day for a year. I realize that I’m also afraid to not fulfil this course and to disappoint you. I understand that you will not be disappointed and that in it doesn’t matter to you or me if you’re disappointed. But I notice this fear. I thought that I had shifted to an inner wanting to meditate which I think I have but there is still something like this. Hmm.
But now it’s day two and I have meditated this morning with your guided one and have an urge to do it tonight. But I think it’s a fear of screwing up my consistency like I did with experience. It’s a hair compulsive to be quite honest. I have replaced the WhatsApp consistency group with emailing #friendlyeyes 30 to my ju*****************@gm***.com address and sometimes I am not sure if I’ve meditated so I check for the email. I see that the task is to now move from a place of self love and softness.